run fatty run.

I just read this posted by my friend on fb.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

– Neil Gaiman

Thats why I am so fucking bitter. Thats why I can't let go.

I'm in school now trying to studying. I came to school this morning at 11.30am to use the gym before getting down to study. I don't know why I didn't have the energy to run today. I'm afraid that I might be falling sick again! What terrible timing. I think its from the lack of proper sleep. I usually go to bed at around 12am but my body will wake up at 3+am and I won't get back to sleep. Its really bad because my body and mind is suffering. I can't concentrate on my work! Grrrr.

Right now, I am reading my AOE notes but not remembering a single word. My head is still filled with other thoughts. Thoughts of a 2-day argument that led to nowhere. Thoughts of 'if you can't live for yourself, who can you life for?'. Thoughts of how love is such a relative thing to you that is applicable to anybody who comes along right. Hmmm. Interesting.

I weighed myself this morning. I've lost about 7kgs since I've been back from Europe but I still feel as fat as a cow. Some people ask me why I suddenly go to the gym so much, its because I got replaced by someone who is younger and skinner than me. Coz of the bubble tea yesterday, I made myself go to the gym even though I am so tired. I tell myself, run fatty run.

别再看著我说著你爱过别太伤痛.
What's the use.It all sounds like hot air and lies to me now.

my heartlands

I really did not want to get out of bed today. But I had to go to Chinatown to print my passport photo for my new membership card or else I am going to get yelled at again. I brought my camera along to run errands. Here's what I captured for the day. Enjoy.

Fun with Colour Accent on Red. I was a bit slow in the settings but you can vaguely see a man in red behind the sign pole.

Has to be the WORST catch-toy machine I've ever seen. Would you pay $1 for a chance to win these toys??

A promise of a Hong Kong Escape that got thrown away by more than 1 person.

Hello heart disease.

One of the last hand-painted movie billboards in Singapore.

Discarded. Unwanted. Me.

A life of literal ups and downs.

For just 20cents, you can test how hot you are! Can you handle the truth?

Freshly baked bunnies anyone?

Life of a cobbler. A dying trade.

Everybody needs some attention. Not everybody gets it.

I love Tapioca cakes. But I've got a new motto in life, its from Kate Moss.
"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny"

Suddenly I see these stalls selling duck parts everywhere! I've always wanted to try duck tongue because someone told me that he had it in Taiwan but I doubt those you find here are any good at all.

I just HAD to get some of my favourite bubble tea in Singapore. KOI. :)

Walking home with my bubble tea and my favourite sunnies. I figured if I treated myself to bubble tea, I will walk home to burn off the calories and skip lunch today.
Yeah, I got a haircut on friday. Finally.

next!

Oh... Apparently it really doesn't matter who the person is to draw silly little doodles on, it just has to be a person la. Doh, juls why you so stupid.. you really think memories last? you think it matters to them? Life is all just a show, "send in the replacement actor!" as simple as that. Woah, I wonder how many stand-in actors were waiting behind me. Aii. you stupid stupid girl.. the world goes on without you, juls, you ain't that important... Tough luck, accept it.

never enough.

402th post on this blog.
For a while I seriously contemplated closing down this blog and move to somewhere else that some people won't be able to find... But i'm too attached to all the posts that this space has accumulated over the past 4+ years.

Hui asks me why am I still talking to you thru my blog. I've always thought that the only person I blog for is myself. A space where I can say what I want about my life and my posts are this way now because its what I am going thru. My insecurities about being discarded, a love that I am suppose to ignore and a lack of direction in life. Maybe she has a point. But nowadays it seems like I can't even blog what I want anymore. I dunno what else the people in my life wants me to do. Never good enough, never pretty enough, never sufficient.

Somethings are not assumption, its called deduction from a series of facts I see and read. The past 2 years feel like all such a big lie. Maybe I was never meant for happiness.

Today I got yelled at by my dad for no good reason, which on top of how I am feeling about substituted by you like I didn't even matter in the first place, just make me dissolve into tears in the gym cubicle. But I must say, my Majolica mascara is pretty awesome. I cry and cry and my mascara didn't run!

an old toy nobody wants.

Ping and me at the Wine Company @ Evans Road.

Urgh. I dunno why my face is still as big as ever. :S CUI. I may be losing some weight because my appetite still isn't great nowadays, but everyday I look into the mirror and wonder why my face is huge and I look so haggard. Yah, I know I am not as new and shiny as your new toy. And not as skinny as well la. Obviously still eating too much and not running hard enough.

I really need to block a website on my internet browser because my self-control is terrible. GRRR. I get so angsty when I read something that I know will annoy me but I still can't help myself. I blame myself for causing myself additional pain. But it does make me wonder what the hell happened that someone who claimed to love me so much, can just subsititute me within a few months. Am I so easily replaceable? I know for a fact I could never just replace you in the same period of time. Its not just my heart that is being hit but my ego as well. Seriously, if you have the will to tell me that you don't love me anymore then why don't you just leave me alone? Why act like you care? I heard this phrase on tv a few days "for a relationship to get to the state that it is, 2 people are at fault".

Debs and I should have a date with ChinaOne. Debbaboussss, if we ain't drunk, we ain't going home aye! :D

another last.

Take in december 2006, Kenneth's 21st birthday at Goodwood Park Hotel. I look like a different person.

I've just finished my final presentation in SMU for my Analysis of Equity Investments class. Its a really odd feeling. I can remember most of the presentations I've gave in SMU; my favourites being - communication research, TWC, marketing, MA and AS. I know its such a cliche to say this but it really feels like not long ago, I was a 19 year old girl fresh out of the JC system and having such high hopes for my education in SMU. I think mostly I've done pretty well in school despite many problems with friends, groupmates, courses and CCA. I am really going to miss school.

I'm proud to say that my photo-journal is still going strong... I've only missed 1 day so far. You should definitely see this guy's work. He travels to kathmandu to feature the glue-sniffing kids from the under-belly of society. Inspiring stuff.

Next week is study week. I'll probably be camping out in school a lot! Leongs was so nice to compile a list of study areas that we will be using. I remember those nights in the library with hui and lyn, studying till 4am. Actually, we talk cock, eat instant noodles and online shop along with studying to pass our time. It was awesome guys. I am gonna miss it.

Btw, i'll be starting an internship with citibank on 7th dec till end of april next year. 5 months of internship, 1 month break then HOPEFULLY i get UBS, and i'll start my training with them in June. Thats half of next year optimisically settled. Yet why does it feel so empty to me. It seems like i am throwing myself into work just to cover up for the fact that i lack a social life. Or rather, i lack the person I really need.

htc touch diamond

My new phone: HTC Touch Diamond.
Its a very chio phone but exasperatingly hard to use. The touchFLO program tends to tag and it is hard to control with your thumb. Maybe I need to take some time to get used to it. But right now, I end up taking 5 mins to type out a msg or call wrong people because of the scrolling function of my contacts. :S
Bah, I'm waiting for the iphone to be available on M1 then I'll switch. I love the silly little games on the iphone. :)



stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, stay out of my mind, please just stay of my fucking mind. I cannot function like this.

When I said goodbye to you, i meant to stick to it. I'm not telling you what to do but I hope you would do the same. If you don't love me anymore, don't act like you do.

interview frenzy.

Today I went for another interview for internship with Citibank but for another department. This department's job scope seems more suitable for me. The interview went really well, and they will let me know by Wednesday if I got the internship. *cross fingers*

Also, I just got a call from UBS inviting me back for a 2nd interview! This one is for the graduate trainee programme. I've been waiting for this call for a week! But the interview is tomorrow so I need to prepare and try and recall everything I said at the first interview. ahhh.. nervous nervous!

I leaped out of bed (I happen to be taking a nap because I'm suffering from a bad case of cramps) when I got the call and the first person I wanted to call was you. Do you even care that, to me, you are still the 1st person I always want to go to whenever anything good or bad happens? Sometimes I stay awake at night and wonder why should anything else matter when if the world were to end tomorrow, i would want to spend my today with you. Then I realised that the above would not be the same to you because you already happily substituted my place in your heart.

命中注定我爱你 -- What a load of bullshit. There's a reason why I only watch shows with murders nowadays... Because I can't stand any of the bullshit they sell in love stories anymore. Because if that were true, my love would have waited for me and forgave me for the mistakes I made. I would be able to forgive myself. But i don't see any of it happening.

just go.

everybody always leaves me.
all or nothing, you chose nothing.
you are leaving me.

what's left here for me?
a shadow of who I used to be.
just a shadow that eventually will fade away from your mind as well.

Update: I just lost my facebook relationship. and my facebook son.
Looks like in total, I've lost 3 people today.
Woah, and you wonder why i'm so negative... its just because I'm right, people always leave.

the circles in my head

I've just bought a bottle of red wine from cold storage. Two Oceans Cabernet Sauvignon.
Thats my entertainment for tonight. I've got a new hobby, its called drinking.

I spend the whole day watching tv and watching shows on my laptop. I realised that I am just waiting for time to pass without having anything to look forward to. This feeling really kills you. I know I shouldn't turn to anybody to give me direction... But you definitely want to go out and do more things and experience life more if you have someone to share it with.

These are suppose to be the best times of our lives. Yet, i'm spending it all waiting for someone who can't even stand to talk to me anymore.

what am i doing.
fuck.
i blamed myself ten times more than i blame you.
but u only see that i'm blaming you.
forget it.
you can't even let me move on the way I want to.
I guess you don't owe me anything.

seriously, i blame myself a hell lot more than i blame you. I am learning to forgive myself for fucking everything up. but looks like you will never forgive me.